


memories

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Angst, F/M, Gen, M/M, OLD!Steve, Post-Endgame, basically bucky is in love with steve but it's sort of unrequited??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-12 22:37:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21233720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bucky thought his life couldn't get any worse after Steve left him to go back to the past.That is, until he hears Steve's got Alzheimer. Now Bucky has to deal with the possibility of losing the memories of the happiest era in his life, this time forever.





	memories

**Author's Note:**

> I got thinking about this headcanon and it kinda haunted me so I had to let it out.  
Many many thanks to my very dear friend @teenytabris for being the loveliest ever and as usual helping me beta-ing this and dealing with my weird wording :'D i love you baby!!!

Bucky had to stop testing life by thinking it couldn’t get any worse, because every time he did that, something even more terrible happened.

He’d thought he’d hit rock bottom when Steve, the only true thing he’d known for a good while, had left him behind to go back to the past, and now he had to pretend everything was alright because despite how hurt he was, Steve was happy. 

And Bucky had always wanted that more than anything in the world.

He’d been mistaken, however. 

Bucky certainly didn’t see it coming when he came back from a mission with Sam only to find out that while they were away, Steve had been taken to an old people’s home because he was displaying symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease.

Bucky couldn’t believe it, so he went there to see it with his own eyes. 

And Steve…

Steve was the same. Well, the same as he was when he came back. And yeah — he might’ve asked Bucky the same things about the mission a few times, but it was far less worse than he imagined it would be.

It was weird, though. Being there, with Steve, talking so normally, yet nothing was the same anymore. Bucky couldn’t help reminiscing his own recovery, the gaps in his mind that were still there and would probably never come back, and of how Steve was there for him while he recovered in Wakanda. He remembered the nights he’d woke up screaming and how Steve would always answer the phone when he wasn’t there, would stay there until Bucky fell asleep again. He remembered how Steve would tell him stories from the past to help him remember. He remembered how he could always phone him or Skype with him whenever a random memory from the war or before that struck him, and Steve would always listen. He remembered how widely Steve would smile when it was true, and he remembered how he tried to keep the sadness off his face (but Bucky knew him more than anyone, and could see right through him) when it was a fake memory, maybe a dream he’d never told Steve about or something his mind had made up to fill in the gaps.

So he wondered now. How would he be able to do the same for Steve? Wakanda had been just a few months ago for Bucky, but for Steve it was a lifetime away and sentiments had changed quite a lot. Plus, Bucky, unlike Steve, still had much to make sense of, much to rediscover about himself.

* * *

“How did it go today with him?” Sam asks when Bucky gets back from the old people’s home the first night. They’re staying in the Tower, since Pepper and Morgan were not. Some of the remaining Avengers had a room there (the ones that have chosen to stay, anyway). Sam’s and Bucky’s are next to each other.

“It was... alright.”

Sam arches an eyebrow. “Doesn’t sound like it was.”

Bucky shrugs. “Better than I expected it would be, anyway.”

“And what were you expecting?”

“Sam, don’t play shrink with me, please.”

Sam grimaces. “I’m sorry, man. I just — it can’t be easy on you.”

“How’s this even possible, anyway?” Bucky changes the subject not-so-subtly, but hoping Sam is merciful enough to spare him for now. “The serum should fix everything, shouldn’t it? Why is he getting... like this?”

“Well, there’s really not much knowledge about the super-soldier serum anyway, y’know? It’s not like there’s a bunch of super-soldiers to study from. And, no offense, it didn’t fix you either. The memory thing, I mean,” Sam adds before Bucky can misinterpret what he means.

Bucky sighs. “I guess you’re right. I always thought it was because whatever Hydra gave me was a knockoff of the real thing, but I guess even the serum has its limits.”

“Hey,” Sam approaches Bucky, puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s gonna be—“

_ “Don’t,” _ Bucky says, closing his eyes and clenching his teeth. “Don’t say it’s gonna be okay.”

_ Last time someone did that they left me without looking back. _

Sam’s expression falls. “Of course. Sorry.”

Bucky feels like an asshole. “No. _ I’m _ sorry, Sam. It’s just... hard.”

Sam sighs. “I know, buddy. But you’re not alone in this. You know that, right?”

Bucky smiles sadly. “Yeah,” he whispers. “Thanks, Sam.”

* * *

Bucky goes once or twice a week to visit Steve at the old people’s home. He’s done some research on Alzheimer’s, and doesn’t want to think too much about how Steve is deteriorating quite fast, according to what he read.

One day when he shows up, Steve is just sitting in his couch, sketching something. He looks up and stares at Bucky distantly, like he doesn’t recognize him and Bucky’s stomach drops so fast he thinks he’s going to throw up.

“Hey, buddy. Remember me?” he asks, trying to mask his nerves.

“Do I know you?” Steve asks, and Bucky is already panicking and trying to explain who he is when Steve Rogers can’t hold it back anymore and he laughs openly. Bucky stays there like an idiot, first shocked, then indignant.

“Asshole.”

“You should’ve seen your face,” Steve says, regaining his composure. “You totally fell for it!”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah, well, payback. You did that too quite a few times. Now I understand why — it _ is _ funny, Buck.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. It’s true, as he recovered in Wakanda, he’d done it sometimes when Steve went to visit him. Now he understands Steve’s side too, the way his expression always soured when Bucky did that and told him it wasn’t funny. But they had always been like that — they could pull the most elaborate pranks at each other and at the same time heal each other’s wounds after a fight because _ “only I’m able to say that to him, you dickhead.” _

They talk. It’s almost normal, almost like old times, and Bucky finds himself smiling more than he believed he would. That is until a nurse comes to check on Steve and he’s unable to call her by her name, and assure her everything is fine, so instead he settles for _ ‘doll’ _ . She seems not to notice he forgot her name, but Bucky _ knows _.

They stay in silence for a while when she leaves.

“Did it scare you?” Steve asks all of a sudden.

“What?”

“Not remembering.”

Bucky tries to smile, but even he knows it’s all wrong and forced.

“All the fucking time. I’m still scared today, that some things are never gonna come back at all.”

“How do you deal with it?”

Bucky shrugs. “You get used to it, champ.”

They don’t speak again until Bucky says goodbye.

* * *

Sam and Bruce are waiting for Bucky when he comes back.

“What happened?” Bucky asks, already dreading the answer.

“Well-” It’s Bruce who speaks. He licks his lips. “I’ve analyzed some of Steve’s brain scans and...”

“And?” Bucky presses, impatiently.

Sam sighs. “It’s not good, man.”

“What-” Bucky has to force himself to calm down. “-do you mean, exactly?”

“He’s deteriorating way faster than he should,” Bruce says, apologetic. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Bucky replies. His voice is hoarse, strange. “No, that can’t be possible because he’s a super-soldier and the serum should—“

“The serum didn’t prevent him from aging,” Bruce interrupts. Bucky knows he’s not trying to be mean, but he hates him at the moment. “And the fact that he was thawed for so long, plus all the time-traveling and stuff, might have sped up his aging process.”

“B-but I... I was thawed, constantly.”

“Yes, but you weren’t in cryo-freeze for that long. And, evil or not, you were taken care of by scientists that couldn’t afford to lose their best asset.”

“Banner,” Sam calls sternly.

“Sorry. Shit, I’m such a jerk—“

“It’s okay,” Bucky says. He’s too busy worrying about Steve to feel triggered about Bruce’s tactless way of delivering facts. “It’s the truth, anyway.” He sighs.

“Isn’t there something we can do about it?”

Bruce’s expression is hopeless and full of sorrow, and Bucky just wants to cry.

“I’m afraid not. I’m sorry, Barnes.”

* * *

“Are you okay?” Sam asks him a little later that night. Sam is a good guy and Bucky is tired of acting tough, so he allows himself to be honest.

“Not really.”

“Listen, I know that Steve’s your best friend and that it doesn’t compare, but I’ve got you, man. We could talk about it if you want. Or we could just get shitfaced.”

“Can’t,” Bucky replies. “But thank you.”

Sam’s eyes narrow. “What’s bothering you, Barnes?”

Bucky looks him in the eye. “Steve’s your friend too. You must be hurting as well.”

“Of course I am. But this isn’t about me, and anyway, it doesn’t compare. You two guys… matched.”

Bucky exhales loudly.

“I guess... I always thought he’d be there, y’know? Like, it didn’t matter if I didn’t remember shit or not, because he was always there to tell me stories or to assure me if it was real or not. He’s the only person alive that knew how I was before... this,” he lifts the metal hand, then lets it drop again. “And now... he’s leaving me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Can’t even cry about it because… I feel so numb…”

Sam puts a hand on his shoulder, the same comforting way Bucky had done with Steve when his mother had just died.

“Hey, he might know how you were, but we know how you are now. You’ve got a family here.”

Bucky nods, looking at the ground. “I know. But I just wish I didn’t have to say goodbye to that part of my life forever.”

“And who says you have to? Not everything is lost, man. You can still ask Steve about it. Maybe make a journal together, so you two don’t forget. Like the one you had in Bucharest.”

“That’s actually a very good idea,” Bucky agrees.

“I’m an intellectual,” Sam jokes, cockily. “Now quit the sad boy attitude, and come with me. We’ve got a mission soon.”

* * *

Bruce wasn’t lying, but Bucky chooses it to ignore it, to play blind and keep visiting Steve whenever he can, to pretend that Steve doesn’t ask him the same questions over and over and over more often each time; that he forgets names and mixes stuff up all the time. They’re just... quirks, it really doesn’t change things. He’s still Steve, after all.

So it hits him like a brick in the face when he gets there one day, and Steve isn’t in his room. 

One of the nurses tell him to make himself comfortable, Steve will be there in a minute. 

Bucky does.

After a little while, Steve is brought to the room, being helped by a male nurse. Bucky tries to not think much about him needing help to walk, so he focuses on how his scarce hair looks a little damp and he smells like soap. And damn it — Bucky swears he’d be able to see that Steve is sulking from a mile away.

“What is it?” He asks when the nurse is gone and it’s just the two of them in the room.

“It’s nothing. Goddamit, you should shave. And cut that hair already, too. You look like a hobo.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well, nice to see you too, pal.”

“Leave me alone, Barnes.”

Bucky can’t hold it back anymore — he chuckles, shaking his head. “Jesus Christ.”

Steve’s frown deepens. “What?”

“I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years and you’re still the same stubborn brat. What happened? Who pissed in your Cheerios?”

“Me,” Steve admits, angrier than Bucky has ever seen him. “I did.”

“What?”

“I wet myself. I was gonna call a nurse, but when she got here I didn’t remember what I wanted, and then I...”

Bucky closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Steve. But it’s really not that big of a deal.”

“How can you say that?” Steve snaps. “I went from wielding Mjölnir to... this...”

“Oh, c’mon, don’t do that to yourself, champ. It was an accident.”

Steve snorts. “I can’t believe we’re back at this again.”

“What?”

“You. Taking care of me.”

Bucky smiles a little. “I had to return the favor. You took care of me, too, remember? Back in Wakanda.”

“Yeah. But you took care of me before, too.”

“Well I’m sorry to break it to you, Captain, but you _ do _ need to be watched over. Otherwise you tend to crash off planes.”

Steve actually laughs at that one, which was Bucky’s goal in the first place. He feels satisfied and proud with the sound, lets it spread warmth inside his chest.

“Shut up,” Steve replies, but there’s no bite in it. Bucky allows himself to look at Steve fondly for a minute, then fetches something in his backpack.

“I have a little something for you.”

He pulls out a worn out notebook. Steve’s eyes widen with recognition, but Bucky opens it anyway. There’s a picture of Steve, young and dressed as Captain America in the very first page.

“Are you serious?” Steve asks a little breathlessly when Bucky hands him the notebook.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Back when I was alone, I wrote here whenever I remembered something. Figured it might help you, too.”

“I can’t have this, Buck. This is important to you.”

“Yeah, but you need it more than I do now. It’s okay, I want you to have it. I’m going on a mission with Sam, you can read it while we’re away. You can even write on it if it helps you remember some stuff.”

“I can’t read this. These are your memories.”

“Buddy, you’ve read them before.”

“I have?” When Bucky nods, Steve shakes his head. “No, that’s not true. I looked at it, but that’s all. Back in Bucharest.”

Bucky nods curtly, a little impressed. “I’m glad you remember that, but you’ve actually read it. Back in Wakanda. I let you.”

“Oh. Thanks, Buck. I’ll take care of it with my life,” Steve promises meaningfully.

“I wouldn’t expect less of you. We can even start a new one with the things we both remember, so we don’t forget about them. How does that sound?”

Bucky’s heart skips a beat when Steve’s eyes glint with excitement. He thinks he might be able to live on that feeling.

“I’d actually really like that, Buck.”

“It’s on, then. Anyway, gotta go, champ. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks.”

“Okay, good luck. Don’t do anything stupid till...” Steve trails off, looking embarrassed when realizing he’s got it wrong — it should’ve been Bucky to say it. Bucky, on the contrary, just looks impressed and moved that Steve even remembered this at all.

“...I get back,” he finishes for Steve. Steve smiles awkwardly, and Bucky adds: “How can I? You’re keeping all the stupid with you.”

Last thing he sees before leaving is Steve’s smile, the genuine thing.

* * *

“Do you remember riding the Cyclone, that time at Coney Island?” Bucky asks. They’ve been doing this the whole evening, going back and forth through the memories they’ve both collected.

“No,” Steve denies, but the glint in his look gives him away. Bucky chuckles.

“You’re a terrible liar! It’s because you threw up, right?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, well, buddy. It’s going in the book, whether you want it or not.”

“Do you remember that time you wanted to impress that redhead girl — what was her name? I have it on the tip of my tongue, wait, don’t laugh — and you used all of our train money to win her a stuffed animal.”

“Dolores. _ Somebody _ told me I used to call her Dot.”

“Oh, _ really?” _

Bucky laughs. “You’re a jerk. You’re never gonna let that go, right?”

Steve laughs back at him. “Over my dead body.”

“Do you remember when you used to stay over at my house, back when we were kids, and we used to put the couch cushions on the floor?”

“No.”

“Oh,” Bucky replies, a little deflated. “Well, we did that. Many times. And then again after Sarah...” he trails off.

Maybe Steve doesn’t want to remember the sad things.

“Sarah,” Steve repeats lowly.

Bucky nods, a knot in his throat. “Your ma, pal.”

Steve’s eyes are a little watery, but he’s wearing a fond smile.

“I know. I remember her.”

* * *

It becomes routine. They talk and talk and talk about the past, filling the book with trivial, little nothings.

Bucky had forgotten how it felt when your cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

* * *

Sometimes Steve does this little thing, a subtle thing, but Bucky _ knows _ because he’s been through it too. Sometimes his eyes cloud over — they seem distant, lost in thought, and then he stares and smiles politely when people talk to him.

(He doesn’t recognize them)

Or when they are talking — sometimes he’ll become distracted and that absent look will take over his face for a split second and it’s so painfully obvious when recognition strikes again. He’s back, he’s in the moment. 

And they go on like nothing happened until of course, it happens again.

Bucky doesn’t like to think about it too much, on how normal that’s become.

* * *

“I remember dancing,” Steve tells Bucky one day at twilight.

Bucky nods. “With Carter.”

“Who’s Carter?”

“Oh. She was your wife. Curly hair, big brown eyes—“

“Pegs.”

“Yup.”

Steve shakes his head slowly. “No. I remember dancing, but not with her.”

“Oh?” Bucky raises a brow, his mouth quirking. “Got yourself a dame you never told me about, Rogers?”

“No, it was before the war. I remember dancing with...” Steve’s eyes dart for a second before fixing onto Bucky’s face. Bucky feels his heart rate picking up, but he tries to channel the soldier and keep a straight face. He keeps Steve’s stare.

_ So it was real? _

He knows what Steve’s talking about — he’s had the same memory before. They were too old to be kids anymore but too young to be considered teenagers, and yet, Bucky was already dating. He was teaching Steve how to pick up girls and showed him how to dance with them. It was a hot evening and after Steve nailed a few steps and the music stopped, they had stared at each other for longer than acceptable. Bucky’s mind and heart raced, thinking of how easy it would be to lean in and press his lips to Steve’s, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His hands were sweaty and he broke the touch roughly, the moment hanging uncomfortably between them. Steve went to sketch something, probably so he didn’t have to look into Bucky’s eyes for the rest of the afternoon, and Bucky pretended not to care, pretended his hand didn’t burn where he’d held Steve’s.

They never talked about it. During the war, Steve had even denied that little moment, pretended it never existed, telling Peggy he was waiting for the right partner to show him. Bucky had let him, pretended not to care. Then Hydra happened and Bucky had even come to believe it had been a dream or a fantasy he’d made up due to his feelings for Steve, so he’d never asked — he didn’t know it was true.

Guess that after all, he hadn’t imagined it.

His stomach turns violently. What if he’d dared? What if he’d told Steve about that memory before?

Would that brief moment have been enough to make him stay?

He turns around, unable to look at Steve anymore. It hurts too much.

“Well. I don’t remember,” he lies.

* * *

It takes Bucky a week to put it behind him. He’s not exactly keen on it, the wound still hurts about what could’ve been; but Steve’s not getting any better and there’s no time to lose.

When Bucky greets Steve, he does the polite smile, distant gaze thing Bucky hates so much. _ It’ll go away in a second, _ he thinks, except when it doesn’t, and it turns out that Steve thinks that Bucky is a nurse. He says, “You look like my best friend used to look.”

“Used?” Bucky asks with dread.

Steve’s eyes water.

“Yeah,” he whispers, lost in thought. “You’ve got to have heard of him — Bucky Barnes, he died in the war.”

“Steve,” Bucky replies, voice cracking, miserable. They’re both crying at this point. “Steve —look at me, it’s me. I’m Bucky. I didn’t- I didn’t die.”

“Bucky? Bucky, is it really… you?”

“Yeah,” Bucky kisses his hand, caring about nothing but Steve. “It’s me, punk.”

“But I saw you…you fell…”

“It’s okay,” Bucky reassures, pulling him into a tight hug. “I survived.”

“Christ… how… how long you’ve been here? I didn’t… I didn’t go after you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I should’ve had… I should’ve…”

“It’s okay,” Bucky repeats. He wants to tell Steve everything, wants to erase all the regret he has. But he’s sure he won’t be able to speak, his voice far too choked, the feelings far too big. So this will have to do.

They stay like that for a long while, not talking, until Steve whispers in his ear: “I’m happy you’re alive, Buck,” and Bucky just buries his head on Steve’s shoulders and replies in a muffled voice, “Yeah, me too.”

* * *

_When he gets home he knows she’s there, so he holds back the tears that he’s been wanting to shed all the way back. _

_ “Why are you here?” he asks the Widow as he closes the door to his room. She’s completely still and a normal person wouldn’t be able to spot her right away, to feel her presence in the room; but he knows her, and it takes one to know one. _

_ “I wanted to check on you.” _

_ “I want to be alone right now.” _

“Yasha,”_ she calls him, and suddenly he remembers Russia, he remembers that was what she called him under the sheets. He remembers shooting through her, too; and he remembers the betrayed look on her face when she said _“You could at least recognize me”.

_ He can’t hold it back anymore. He breaks down, loud sobs escaping his throat. She holds him, whispers sweet nothings in his ear and guides him to the bed where he allows himself to fall on her lap and cry his heart out. She lets him be, petting his hair the whole time. _

_ “Is this how it felt when I forgot… about...” he can’t bring himself to finish the sentence. _

_ She understands. _

_ “Kind of,” she admits in a whisper._

* * *

Bucky wakes up screaming.

She’s not here anymore.

Another thing he remembered far too late.

* * *

He doesn’t visit Steve for a whole two weeks so he can get himself together. He’ll excuse himself, say he was busy with another mission or something. Steve surely won’t mind.

But it turns out that Bucky gets there on a bad day and as he enters Steve’s room, Steve looks at him like he has never seen him before, won’t talk to him, and when Bucky tries to explain to him who he is Steve screams and doesn’t look at him; and he yells and yells and yells how he’s never met a Bucky Barnes before. It gets so bad that it gets everyone’s attention, and Steve’s grandchildren are called. When they get there, they ask Bucky to leave in order not to upset Steve anymore.

Bucky does as he’s told.

* * *

Steve is withering before his eyes. He eats less and less every day, sleeps more. He needs more help with moving — he’ll need a physical therapist soon to help him move his legs so that they won’t become stunted. But the diagnosis is not very good anyway, and it’s very likely he won’t be able to walk at all pretty soon.

Steve is tiny and fragile again, and Bucky _ remembers._

* * *

Bucky cuts his hair real short and shaves. A new beginning. A new man. He looks like he did in the 40’s.

And maybe, he thinks bitterly, that will help Steve remember him.

* * *

He goes to visit the next day, bracing himself for the worst. He’s sure it’s likely that Steve won’t recognize him anymore. It’s not okay, but he can go through it. And anyway — this is not about him. It’s about Steve, about how he needs company. If there’s something he knows best, it’s putting Steve’s needs before his own.

There’s a knot in his stomach when he enters Steve’s room. Steve’s talking to a pretty nurse about the good old times and Bucky feels something both warm and painful in his chest.

“Hey, punk.”

Steve turns to look at him. Bucky expects him to frown and ask who he is, if it’s a good day, and to yell if it’s a bad day. But then Steve’s eyes lit up, and he gives Bucky the most beautiful, bright smile.

“Hey Buck.” He turns to look at the nurse. “Look! He’s my friend!”

Bucky kind of wants to cry. He also kind of wants to scream. But he feels his mouth quirking despite himself and he knows, he knows that this is the truest statement ever said; because it doesn’t matter if Steve left him, or if they were almost lovers, or if Steve can’t remember Bucky sometimes — Bucky will always be there for him. He will always come back every time Steve needs him, and isn’t that what ‘til the end of the line’ always meant?

“Yeah,” he says, then laughs a little breathlessly.

“Yeah, Stevie. I’m your friend.”


End file.
